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Sunrise on Mildew
Active Kutakian
Joined:
2006/12/18 11:31
From Sydney, Australia
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村民 :: Villager
Posts: 139
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Watch in wonder
smell the freedom
of a water lilly blooming
in the midst of winter
smashed by hail

All bloddy I sit there
my brain caved in
the sun streaming on my face
warm and tingly on my skin

My feet rotten with mold
and disease, I walk no more
this old body wearing thin
lying here naked
with the touch of a beautiful women
caressing my skin

Emotions of bliss and joy
fill my body
as I remember my past lives
of hell and torture
murdered by greed
beaten bloody by my delusions
ripped limb from limb by arrogance
and ignorance

I now face myself
rays of light fills my eyes
and bless this earth.
A crazy bird flys south
and becomes the bone of space
in its search for peace
Caw Caw!
It calls to the sky

This old man looks blankly at the mirror
what a fool becomes this man
old and crippled, skin hanging down
he reflects his life
"thank God I'm alive
now I'm dead"

Sunrise on mildew
flowers bloom
and the iron man sings his praise
to the Buddha.

------------------
I wrote this a few years ago. Its a poem about the beauty of experiencing at the point between life and death. Enjoy!

Dean

Posted on: 2007/1/11 11:06
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Re: Sunrise on Mildew
Honorary Villager
Joined:
2005/3/2 1:57
From Weyers Cave, VA, USA
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村民 :: Villager
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Dean

I like the last verse and the first

they capture the pathos of your theme most effectively.

I like the imagery in the rest of your poem - but feel the words are not yet polished enough. The word choice feels like a pastiche of 'Japanese in translation' and English vernacular.

Sorry if that is a little harsh

You might like the poet Norman Dubie if you haven't read him already. Dubie manages a style integrating a haiku inspired terseness, while adeptly narrating spiritual/commonplace situations (such as you have in your poem - is the narrator alive or dead - or both at once?).

Anyway just some feedback - if you were looking for it.

Sincerely,
John Haverkamp

p.s. I you want a chance a being tori I posted a few poems the other day. My 'Japanese translation' criticism could apply to my attempts as well.

Posted on: 2007/1/12 0:56
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Re: Sunrise on Mildew
Active Kutakian
Joined:
2006/12/18 11:31
From Sydney, Australia
Group:
村民 :: Villager
Posts: 139
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Hi John,

I don't take that as harsh, thanks for the feedback.

Obviously its not a translation or borrowed but I wrote it deliberately to portray high visual content without being verbose, which lends it to being received as you described. So maybe (hopefully) I got it right then.

The brevity intentially is meant to set a contrast between the beautiful and negative imagery in close proximity (or together at once), invoking in the reader the chance to themselves experience the two blended into a single experience ... much like what the theme of the poem actually discusses ... the beauty of experiencing all that is life and death.

It is also meant to invoke that sense to the reader of "Is the narrator dead or alive, both, or just enlightened?"

Dean

Posted on: 2007/1/12 9:28
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